I mention that because I have attended several psychotherapy conferences recently where the theme has been "Forgiveness" and its positive effects. Now I'm all for forgiveness. And I do applaud having a day--a week--or more--a lifetime?--set aside to consider forgiveness. I do think that it can and already has contributed greatly to solving some societal ills. It is the basis of peace in South Africa and other locations. It could be a factor in so much more, both societal and personal, peace.
Who isn't moved to hear of the relatives of a victim of murder forgiving the perpetrator. Or the parents of a slain Palestinian child donating organs to save the life of a wounded Israeli child, as happened not long ago.
But when therapists begin discussing a new cure for all manner of "mental illness", my bovine ordure detector begins to sound.
Psychotherapists are always looking for the latest wave. It was Mars and Venus, Emotional Formation Therapy, Transpersonal Therapy, EMDR, etc. I just returned from four days with hundreds of psychotherapists, many of them wanting to get a piece of the latest craze, “Forgiveness.”
It seems so easy. Forgive your husband his lack of candor. Forgive your parents that they were not sufficiently loving. Forgive your mother who can’t accept what you are doing in your life. Forgive your boss for being overbearing. Forgive your brother for stealing your lover. Well, maybe the actual doing is not so easy but at least you can know what to do.
It does sound easy, but then come the snags. You convince yourself that you have forgiven, but the pain continues. Even though you have forgiven, you remember the old adage “Forgive, but don’t forget,” and gradually discover that if you don’t forget then the forgiveness falls apart. Or you truly forgive and then one, two years later you discover that you had a part in creating the problem, or viewed from another perspective, you were the perpetrator.
Forgiveness is only one part of a complete package. You can’t just forgive without confronting the whole. Forgiveness is a grace when another person has deliberately injured you or intentionally caused you grief, anguish or pain. We only forgive people who have made a choice and knowingly behaved badly. We forgive a child for doing things the child knew not to do. Those of us in the “enlightened” West Coast find it atrocious that the state of Texas would execute someone with severe mental illness. (Of course, this begs the larger question of the death penalty.)
Being able to forgive someone for their behavior means that we also have the ability to condemn them for it. We can only forgive someone to whom we could also attribute guilt. Setting aside the Adolf Hitlers and Idi Amins of the world, most people who misbehave, however execrably, are actually operating on errors in information, mental or emotional deficiency or poorly developed skills. They are usually doing what they believe to be right, what they have been taught is the natural, normal thing. They have no intention to harm you or me, they are just doing what they need to do.
We must control criminal behavior, rape, murder, theft of public and private assets, tax crimes or pollution of the environment, not in order to punish but in order to prevent future incursions. This is judging the behaviors, not the people. Even here and even as I have to gulp hard, I do not have the right to either condemn or forgive the perpetrator. But as a society, we must protect ourselves from his behavior. That’s why we have a judicial system.
I had been angry with a trusted friend because she damaged me and someone I love, Years later, the chance came. In the desire not to lose a friend I approached the person prepared to forgive them only to discover that she had facts and a perspective very different from my own and that from her perspective I was the guilty one. She felt that she had done nothing wrong. In fact she gave me new facts that from her point of view suggested my guilt.
The quick sell “forgiveness” is too easy, and ineffectual. It is like Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s “cheap grace”. We don’t have to deal with the facts, guilt, innocence, error, truth. It’s all tangled together. We don’t have the luxury of forgiveness unless we are willing to know and deal with all the reality and then set the issue completely aside. When I hear someone say that he can forgive, but not forget, I begin to worry about the parallels with cheap grace. Choose another word but the minimum in forgiving is to set aside all emotional consequences; that does require forgetting. It is not easy, but it is necessary in order to renew the relationship. In the case of the criminal, rehabilitation is not complete until the crime has been "forgotten". A true forgiveness requires that we "will forgive their iniquity, and will remember their sin no more." (Jer 31:34)
All this is contrary to much of what is being written today. Forgiveness seems so right, so emotionally wonderful. And compared with the anger many carry, it is. But a better way is to avoid judging either others or ourselves; to leave guilt and innocence to God. (Or if you don't believe in God, then fate.) Better forgiveness, even seventy times seven than estrangement, but better still would be no guilt, no judgment and no need for forgiveness. As it does so often, the bible has spoken of this. First do not judge anyone. How can you judge to remove a sliver from another’s eye when you have such a large log sticking out of your own. Forgiveness is a backup strategy. The best choice is to faithfully leave judgment of people to God.
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